Jill Spielberg is Director of the Matrimonial and Family Law Practice at Abrams Fensterman’s White Plains office.
Are you one of the many spouses who resolves, for the new year, to be a better husband or wife: to be more patient, to yell less, to cook more, to criticize less, or to try harder? Don’t be. Do not put pressure on yourself or your marriage by making New Year’s resolutions that merely set you up for failure! People are imperfect! Resolutions often fail because they are grand ideas that are not tied to creating new habits. Better habits lead to better lifestyles.
So how can you make 2025 the year of the better marriage? How can you effect better, more permanent change?
As a divorce lawyer for almost two decades, I can tell you one thing – the best way to improve and sustain your marriage is to be more appreciative!
Focus on what you appreciate about your partner. Is she the breadwinner who allows you to explore your passions and hobbies while not worrying about your income? Is he a great Father who coaches teams and makes sure to give your aspiring athlete child all of the sport support that is needed? Is dinner on the table when you get home? Is your social life more fun because of your spouse?
It is easy to feel stressed or frustrated with your partner after a grueling day. Every time you feel that way, try something for me. Instead of lashing out, complaining or voicing your discontent – force yourself to think about something you appreciate about your spouse…something you wouldn’t want to live without…then decide whether the annoying issue is worth mentioning. I can promise you this, the bickering and the meaningless fighting will decrease right away.
I have been asked the following question countless times: With everything you see in your professional life, what is it that ends marriages? Infidelity? Fights over money?
My response is always the same: The lack of appreciation for one another is what ends marriages. It is really that simple.
When I say it is simple, I don’t mean it is easy. Of course, it is so hard to think about appreciating the husband who let you down and forgot your anniversary. It feels impossible to appreciate the wife who doesn’t understand why you have to go on yet another business trip. But appreciating the good in one another really is the secret to making it work. Try to remember the qualities of your partner that made you believe he or she would be the one! Not every day, week or month will be perfect, but if you appreciate your partner, you will do what it takes not to lose him or her.
If that doesn’t work, you know where to find me!
